What do you do when you just sit in a room all day ? When the weather outside is cloudy and rainy ? When you're all alone majority of the time ? When you talk and it seems that no one is listening ? When you scream but no one will come running ?

What do you do when you're so many miles away from the people who love you the most ? When you feel like you're losing sight of yourself ? When you can't explain how you're feeling anymore because deep down you're numb ? When you hold back crys and it shows but no one bothers to ask you if you are ok ?

What do you do when you're heart is hurting? When you didn't think about things enough and just up and left ? When you know what you should do but you're terrified of the outcome ? When you already lost it all and you keep fighting but it gets you nowhere ?

What do you do when you thought leaving would be the best way to prove a point but you leave and you're completely miserable ? When you feel like running away but you can't go anywhere ? When you need someone to talk to but no one can or will understand ?

What do you do when that person doesn't seem like your best friend anymore ? When it's always just one side to everything ? When she can talk about any and everything and you're supposed to be alright and talk back and to completely understand ? When you try to speak about your feelings and she cuts you off and asks you all the time "how do you think that makes me feel ?" When you try to make yourself happy she always jumps in with her feelings and says that she's hurt ? When it's alright for her to be happy and Im fucking lost and miserable all the god damn time ?

Im so alone out here it's fucking ridiculous. I asked my mom if I could come home and she pretty much told me that I'd have to be a fucking slave around the house and be a prisioner if I don't have a job. I get it ! I fucking get it. She doesn't want shit to happen again to where I up and leave. I was asking for fucking help. If I had help with shit I would be well on my way to get the fuck out of debt and to have my own my money to get the shit that I need. I don't drive because my mom wants me to wait til my hormones calm down. Or to wait til Im 25 so her insurance doesn't go through the roof. Well what the fuck !?!?!? She's the one telling me I need a damn job wouldn't you think she'd help me out to take me to and from work all the time ?!?! NOPE ! Iam so fucking angry every day. Iam so fucking miserable every day. I don't have anything anymore. I can't get a job out here because everyone works. I wouldn't have a way to and from. Iam just soooooooo pissed off. I only have one person out here but Im where SHE wants me to be so I don't really hear or see her that much. But when I was somewhere that I WANTED TO BE I saw her pretty much every day and talked to her pretty much every day. It's nothing but bullshit. That person is supposed to be my best friend. What best friend would want their best friend to be so fucking un happy all the time ?!? I don't get it. And Im sure i'll never fucking understand it. I appreciate all that she's doing for me and has done for me. But I can't keep doing this shit to myself. I told her I wanted to go home and she got pissed off and upset. I can understand why she would be upset. But then she throws out the "I went back to my old self at work after I read that. Whats the point in being happy if my best friend is gonna leave?" And then I said I need to figure out my debt shit and get a job. She said are you going back because of Ryan? And I said no. You would think she would fucking realize that IM NOT HAPPY OUT HERE !!!!! from me saying I want to go home. But she thought about herself. threw out the sympathy card and yet again I fell for it. UGH !!!! I just don't know what to do anymore !!! 

Let's pretend for a second that Im ok. Let's pretend that I've never been hurt. Let's pretend that Im no longer breaking on the inside. Let's pretend that I don't cry. Let's pretend that I don't have depression. Let's pretend that I was happy. Everything would be so much easier. Life, love, friendships... everything would be so easy. But nothing in love is ever easy. That's why Im not ok. That's why I have been hurt. That's why Iam breaking on the inside. That's why I do cry. That's why I have depression. That's why Iam not happy. People say God doesn't give you what you can't handle. Well I guess he thinks Im a strong ass person to take on a lot of shit. I know Iam strong but I can only stay strong for so long. Relationships fail because of my problems. Friendships fail because of my problems. Love is a hard enough obstacle all within itsel. Happiness is hard to come by. Life is just hitting me really hard right  now. I don't know how much more of anything I can take. I want so bad to give up... But I know I can't. I can't give up on any of those things because I will be giving up on living. Living is a beautiful thing. Life is beautiful. Maybe the pain one day I will look at and say "wow that was beautiful." But right now nothing is beautiful. I can't look at myself anymore because the girl I see in there now is so damaged that she isn't beautiful anymore. There's just so much to deal with. I want to run away. Run far, far away. But will I be running away from my problems ? Or will I just be running away from me ?